it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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