it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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