highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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