then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
