I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
