On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize