oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
