Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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