sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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