I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i think im in europe. pls send help
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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