I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
