I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
