is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Come on in and take your pants off
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