so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i love accidental penises.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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