if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
