Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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