I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
