Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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