I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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