I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
