I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
