I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
