Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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