I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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