why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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