i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
