omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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