I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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