OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
