She is in my trunk
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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