A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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