im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
