Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
