fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
