The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I FOUND THE LEGS
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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