I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
