Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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