New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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