next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
