i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
