In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
