I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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