Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
