I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
