Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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