I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
