Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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