I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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