I want to make a zoo with you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
