I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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