I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
