apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
