I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
