I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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