Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
