my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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