I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
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If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
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When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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