Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
