Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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