Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My dick has a subreddit
Two words: blizzard sex
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
