So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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